mommychaos

In a while I will leave this computer for today. Kiss it good night and say: thanks for today love, see you tomorrow. Get all the cables out so my f***ed up cat won't chew on them and put me in a should I keep the bastard or fool someone that he's the best cat in the world, give him away and change my address so the new owners will never find me again-situation. But all of this will happen in an hour or so.

There's always newly washed laundry to hang up, dry laundry to fold, sort and put in the correct place. I need to get my little man's clothes out for tomorrow, set the coffee maker and swear in front of the fridge because we're out of milk again. I have to pick the clothes me and my son wore today up from the floor somewhere and throw them in the laundry basket. I have to do the dishes, wipe the surfaces in the kitchen and feed the cat. No, no, I'm not complaining. Honestly! I like my chores.

I like to have my headphones on and dance around the apartment while I'm putting away my son's clothes in his little chest of drawers, pretending I'm the most amazing looking pop star in the universe. Then I step in front of the mirror, look at my tired face and see what reality really is and get drawn back down to earth again. And it's fine, it's absolutely fine. If I had him, it would even be perfect.

It turned out to be a slow weekend. Just a few drinks and a few laughs, and that was it basically. I met some nice people who I haven't seen for a while and some I haven't seen for years. That's the good thing about not seeing people for a long time: seeing them again feels even more special.

Right now I feel like I want to be a bit anti social for a while. Work out, study and take care of Leon. Doing other things just takes too much effort and I'm not strong enough right now. I have a basement full of stuff to take care of. Things I need to sell and things I need to throw away. And let's not even talk about my wardrobe because Oh Lord!! I need to organize the things around me to be able to organize the chaos inside me.



Sure I can smile.

He did visit me in my dreams last night. It was nice to see him and he was just as tall and green eyed as ever. We stood in an amusement park and he took my hand because he wanted to go on some crazy ride that I wouldn't go on in a million years. We played around and he dragged me and pushed me, in a playful way, to the ride he wanted me to go on. It ended with him kissing me and saying I'll just go myself then. He sighed and shook his head but laughed at the same time when he called me chicken while walking away. I stood there with my arms crossed over my chest, smiling and looking at him, doing a silly have a good time, I feel safe over here thanks-wave. Just as in real life he made me happy, and he doesn't even have to make an effort. Just a smile and that look, that's all I need.

So it's that time of day again: sleep time. I dread it every night because I know that he might pop by in my dreams for a little visit and when I wake up it feels as if my heart has been dragged out of my body, and not in a kind and soft way but in a "GAAH, WE'RE TAKING IT AND KEEPING IT YOU *BEEP*". As I feel right now they might as well keep my heart for a while but just for safe keeping. I will want it back eventually. Thanks!

How would Sartre analyze this? I DON'T CAAARE!!!! I've never cared and I never will! Yes, Philosophy is interesting, I'll give the subject that much, but right now I just can't be bothered. This is not the time to be discussing the meaning of life and what happens after death. I don't want to know what the meaning of life is, because then I might go out and search for it and lord knows I won't find it. I would just get lost in that jungle and snakes would attack me when I least expected it and lizards would feast on my dead body.

Anyways (scared myself a bit there, *cough*)! Tomorrow is the last day of philosophy. Just one more exam and then I'm done, moving on to economics which is just facts, facts, facts. Gotta love it!!

Back to the books now and then I'm getting myself ready for dinner with smoochy and miss incognito. If I don't get too tired I will also go out for drinks with my little turkish delight later too, we've never been out her and I and there's nothing as fun as two mother's doing Stockholm!



We're naming tonight's dinner after you mr Bass (yes, the character, not the actual actor, we only care about Chuck!). So tonight we're having Chick-hen Jacques á la Baisse! Enjoy (and you know we will you tasty little *beeep*)

I've found an excellent way to get myself peaceful enough to sit down; exercise. Yes, yes, yes, you all knew that exercise was the answer but I didn't. Plus after exercise you get hungry so I can eat again. Hurray for me and my ideas that aren't even ideas but pure facts for every one else, hurraaay! *stupid piece of shit*

So from now on I will start exercising again and we'll see if I start feeling better and if relaxing will become any easier. Let's all keep our fingers crossed.

 

Happy happy!

I need to relax and study harder because my school work is not even going alright; it's going down the drain. As I've mentioned earlier I have a hard time sitting down and that makes it hard to focus. I'm going out for a walk now and maybe I'll be able to focus better tonight.



Focus.

Do you remember when the boy/girl-thing was easy? No, of course you don't ‘cause it never has been! The whole complication starts at playschool where toys are separated in to girls- and boys-toys, pink and blue, GI Joes and Barbie dolls, ballet and football.

I've been raised in an equal society, men and women are supposed to be seen as equals, and that's always a good start even though it will never be 50/50 in any country. When I lived in Germany it was worse and I'm not even going to get started about that place.

The equal (or not so equal) thing is the reason to why dating is so hard. For a woman like me who takes what she wants and lives life to the fullest and don't get all girly about stuff these last few years of dating have been confusing and it has changed me. Guilt has all of a sudden creeped in to the dating game. What can I do? What can I say? When is it too early to do something and what is politically correct to do in this situation?

I never used to think about things like that, I used to roll with the punches and give the world all of my personality. Give them my opinion on the matter whether it would hurt my chances with them or not. These days I find myself sitting in front of people, both men and women, thinking: That person is a total idiot and I will probably never agree with a thing he/she says but I just keep on nodding and smiling and sometimes the fake laugh has been the only way to get out of the situation. The old me would say: I don't agree, I will respect you for your opinion but as I said; just don't agree.

So the old me who used to think stuff like Hell no, I'm not dating him, he lives on the BLUE line of the subway. Or This person is wasting my energy in a negative way so I'm getting out of this asap! That old person has to come back.

So I'm leaving small traps and treats for that old personality and I hope I will catch it in the end. Maybe some big ass earrings, some hair dye in a crazy colour or a loud hip hop song to shake some ass to.  



No, I'm not getting like this again. I'm all about meeting halfways these days, so half of this will do.

I don't know how to describe it because my body isn't aching, it's just restless. I have a hard time sitting down for long enough to even eat so sleeping is out of the question. I usually get too tired to think at about three in the morning and I wake up with the same restless feeling four hours later.

I'm so tired but I'm fine. I do what I have to do but it all feels like chores since all I really want to do is to sleep. My little man is all that's not a chore strangely enough. He makes me feel that I'm good at one thing at least; being a mother. And that's huge.

He was in the pool when I arrived at daycare today. Splashing around and playing with his friends and he got so excited when he saw me. The amazing part of having him away for a whole weekend is not just the alone time you get but the sensation of something new when you do the every day things together again. Like holding his shivering little body in a huge towel, hugging him and kissing his pale cheeks. Or eating dinner, just him and me in the living room, talking about the weekend he had at his dad's house. Tonight I'm looking forward to reading the Gruffalo-books to him when he's in bed, looking so cute in his pyjamas that I could eat him!



One of my favourite pictures of him. A year old, eating an apple by the water at Vinterviken in Stockholm.

I need you all now. I need him most of all but now he's gone and therefore I need my friends even more. I need to think about something else and I need you to not even allow me to talk about this. Is there anything more to say?? I wanted nothing more but I didn't get it, so what? Move on like he's doing and don't be a wimp, don't be weak. So I'm putting on that mask, the one I didn't want to put on again. I've been naked for a while now but it's coming on again and I don't want to fall in love again, I don't want to fall in love ever again, never ever again will I fall in love.

Fuck love and all the emotions and how it makes your heart feel all warm and strong and then something happens, someone makes a rash decision and it all goes away. I don't want it again, never again will I let myself fall in love and I will never put my guard down again. I will let my little man get all my love because no other man will ever get it. I won't tell another man I love him, be swept away with all of it when it was just doomed to end anyways. I'm being ripped apart from the inside and I can't stop it, I can't make it go away. He feels the same way but still there's nothing to do to make it better and I hate us for it, I hate us for not solving it. I hate myself for not going over there, showing him how amazing it would be. But fuck it, fuck amazing and fuck love. Fuck love because I don't want to fall in love again, I don't want to fall in love ever again, never ever again will I let myself and my stupid fucking heart do this to me. Never ever ever ever again.

There's nothing in comparison but I will get over it, some day. But what I will never do is to let myself be this happy for something again. I was happy about the future, about loving someone who loved me back, but without repeating myself; Fuck love! I don't want to fall in love again, I will never LET myself fall in love again and I will never let my walls fall down. Don't hold another hand, don't get butterflies from his smile, don't laugh at his jokes and don't let him fucking in!!! Easy: Don't love.

I'm sick. Oh yes, I have a high fever and my throat is swollen on the outside. My ears itch so I'm just waiting for some kind of inflammation of the ear to break out and I seriously don't need that. It's warm outside and I have an exam on Friday and new classes that starts on Monday which I haven't bought my books for yet. Stressed, oh yes.

I'm trying to think that I haven't lost anything but I can't even watch Harry Potter without feeling sad. The name Fred is there and his name is there too, said in that sweet accent I like so much. No one but us knows what Fred is, and I like it that way. I like the personal things we've build up and that's why it's hard to think that I haven't lost anything; that I've only gained an experience. I don't feel that way at all. So why am I pouring my heart out here? Because I can't stand talking about it with my friends anymore. Enough is enough at all times and now I just need to talk to him and write about it here.

I could understand if my friends' ears were starting to get infected by all the noise I've put them through. So I'm going to spare them before that happens (and before I get some kind of vocal cord infection to match the one I'm getting in my ears).

A couple of years ago I read the book The rainbow only has eight colours for the first time. It's a book written by the Swedish author Peter Pohl. Just like all of his books it's a tragic story about a small boy with a lot of depth. This boy thinks that every time he gets too happy about something, every time he lets someone in, something awful happens to them or at worst case scenario they die. So every time he loves he hurts the people he loves just by being happy. The worst part of it is that he's right; he's cursed. He's meant to be unhappy and unloved for the rest of his life. The last chapter of the book is so awful that I cried like someone I knew had died. Those tears you cry when you're totally helpless and you know that there is no way to change what just happened. No turning back, no taking it back.

It's one of my favourite books so I wanted to take the book out of the bookshelf today but I didn't. I can't stand reading about the difficulties of a small boy because I know his pain (fictional or not) is far worse than mine and right now I can't handle it. I can handle my friends pain, I can actually handle it better than I thought I would. Almost all of us are going through some kind of a personal hell right now so THANK GOD we've got each other!

I've been listening to this song a lot lately. Not because it reminds me of him because he never treated me badly at all, but because the song has got it right; I've only got me, myself and I in the end. I want him right there next to me, myself and I though.
 
 

The cat is chasing a moth, my son is asleep and the neighbours are throwing some kind of piano/violin-party. No, they don't give a shit that it's Monday night. For someone who has been having the wettest weekend of her life, their little piano night is not really what I need right now.

Every time he entered my mind the Vodka Absolut Mango (thanks for that tip CK) helped me out this weekend. Nothing helped this Saturday though.. No drink, no music, nothing. The lyrics of every song felt like they were written by me and when Use somebody by Kings of Leon was played, I couldn't hold it back. I haven't cried in a bathroom stall since I lived in Germany. Refreshing? Not really. Uplifting? Not the slightest.


 

There's a million people underneath the sun

That can find a million more but never find the one

Last night was just what I needed. The Dubliner is, even though it's been relocated, the best place to be when you want to think about something else and just get away. It's been moved to Hötorget, which makes it easier for us to get there too.

On another note he's deleted me from facebook. I got upset about it and I still am, I thought we could try to be friends and not loose everything we had, ‘cause we did have a great friendship. I was obviously wrong. Wrong or naive, whichever you prefer.

So, dinner tonight at my parents house with my grandmother and then I'm going out with different friends but to the same place. I know one thing and that is that when it comes to friends, I'm truly blessed.

Yeah, I jinxed it. I got too happy about it so it went away. My choice, sure, whatever, still doesn't make it easier. One more heart broken and my pride wounded but I guess I'm one experience richer. If we find our way back to each other no one will be happier than me, but I'm not holding my breath waiting for it to happen.

Instead I'm looking for a trip to Dublin. Just a weekend away, it's so cheap to go there so I'm going really soon. Maybe when I get my tax-money back (the ones that magically disappeared and then reappeared, pff), maybe just within two weeks. I can go and find a dress to my brother's wedding, drink beer (I can't have a vodka orange in Dublin) and just listen to the Irish people on the street and talk to them. I love their way of being and I think a dose of Irish is just what I need.

It's already empty without him. The rain is falling down outside and it's cold in my apartment. Sometimes the weather outside shows you how you feel on the inside: Tear-filled, grey and not sure which direction to choose.



Waiting for the lightning to strike.

I need to think about something else than my life. I need to go out, hang out with my friends and just party. Drink all kinds of drinks that I don't like just to end up with a vodka and juice as I always do. I want to dress up, put too much make up on, big ear rings and leave my glasses at home just so I can look and feel prettier (might be ‘cause I can't see my own reflection without my glasses on). I want to dance like no one's watching and feel good about myself.

So, persistent as always, I got myself a babysitter for Saturday night. Make yourself ready girls because on Saturday it's our night and Stockholm better be ready for me and my dancing shoes; stuffed with too much vodka and orange.

I need a break from my school books. They're lying right here next to me, mocking me in weird voices (probably in Greek too, damn philosophers). I promise to get back to them in a minute.

I got my first assignment back a couple of hours ago and my teachers note at the end said: For your next essay I would want you to include the questions for the grade A as well since I think you're too good at this to only answer the B and C questions. Have some faith in yourself. Great job!"

Has he been reading my blog or something? I mean, that's what I've been writing and thinking about: having more faith in myself. He just made it so much easier and that's what teachers are supposed to do.

So, hello schoolbooks, you can stop calling me names in Greek now. I'm back.

So today was a big day for me when it comes to choices. I've chosen what classes I want and need to take so I can apply for the university of my choice next year. Well, like S.L. said today: "Why dream small when you can dream big?!"

I don't think anyone who's living the dream ever thought that they weren't smart enough. And when you look at it, most of them probably aren't smart enough but instead they have the self confidence that could take anyone anywhere. So that's what's important: Self confidence and self trust.

In the Bex we trust! Write it down somewhere and turn it in to your mantra, because in a few (a bit more than a few, but still..) years, that mantra will be a slogan and that slogan will be just as important and serious as Bill Gates balance.



The library, the smell of old books and the history of it, all the knowledge or entertainment it has brought to all the people who's held it in their hands. The smell of new books that no one has ever looked in and the new experience it will soon give me. Reading, writing. Books, books, books. Love them.

Stockholm is expanding. No, we're still around 2 million people living here, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the waistline. Yes people, we're getting fatter. I couldn't help but notice when I walked through Södermalm yesterday. Götgatan was filled with people with fit arms, muscular legs and slim faces. But let me just say that I wasn't the only one with a mommy tummy. Men and women in all ages looked the same: Fit bodies but with a tummy like a hog.

We've always been fit in Sweden but something's happening and I know I'm evil when I say that I like this new trend. I've always been bigger and now when I'm starting to loose weight everyone else seem to gain it instead. So as I said to my cousin yesterday: Meet you half ways peeps!



Put a pair of expensive sunglasses, a shirt tied around his neck and a pair of those ridiculous sailorshoes on and this hog might aswell be a Stockholm brat.