mommychaos

Big holiday in Sweden this weekend. Midsommar arrived this Friday right on time, as it usually does. People with flowers in their hair, loads of beer and vodka and of course some singing about small frogs and foxes walking on the ice. This one stayed at home though. Lying in bed for most of the time, watching The Sopranos on dvd and talking on the phone with that man. So despite the hot flushes and the shivering from the fever it turned out to be a good Midsommar for this girl too.

Everything is changing here and I get scared. I'm so scared that I don't even want to admit it to myself. My baby boy turned three a week ago and now he's not just my baby boy anymore, he's his dad's too. In the shortest period of time I will start having him here just every other week. And even though I will be travelling back and forth to another place when he's not here I still don't feel ready. But will I ever be ready? Does anyone ever get ready to let the responsibility go?

He's been all mine, all my responsibility for three years, and even more than that counting the months I was his protection, carrying him around in my body. No, I will never be ready. Just as I wasn't ready to let his dad take him for a couple of hours to go to an amusement park, but I got used to that. Now I like the freedom and what it feels like to relax for a weekend when he stays at his dad's house. I like missing him and getting all filled with love when I get to see him again.

So I will get used to this. I will get used to sharing parenthood with someone else and L will have his dad as a parent and I know he will love it. They both will!

I've got a lump of anxiety stuck in my throat and it used to be because I missed him so much but now it's a mixture of that and being worried after what we talked about. In 16 days I go to England again and there's nothing I'm looking forward to more. But it will be 16 days of anxiety because I don't know what's going to happen. I know I can't anything from the Future God now since I've worked hard trying to convince the Weather God... But I would want a small glimpse of the future, just a tiny one that would tell me: don't worry, you're his. That would be nice.

I'm sorry for being distant and not writing but I've been having long meetings with the Weather God and seriously peeps, we got it! The deal is signed, sealed and delivered. I've got it riiight here *pats left pocket*. You're welcome everybody, now go out and enjoy the lovely weather I've worked so hard for us to get!

I have to shower and get ready for tonight when I'm going over to my brother's house. I certainly hope that they will make me think less of what happened last night.



I was caught in between heaven and hell for, what felt like, the longest time. Now it's like I'm back and screaming just doesn't do it for me. I've treated myself like shit and now I have to feel remorse towards him too, and not just me. Can't he just drag me off the bridge and be with me.

I remember being friends with a girl when I was a teen. We always had a good time and we used to hang out quite a lot. All the good things we did just disappeared when she questioned me being sick. I remember that she talked to my mother about it saying that she didn't believe it; she didn't believe that I was sick because they didn't know what it was back then. I don't know why I came to think about that right now.

Maybe it's because I just talked to one of my amazing friends on the phone. Maybe it's because I talked to another one earlier or that I'm looking forward to seeing all of them tomorrow. Maybe it's because I know what good friends are and therefore also know what bad ones look like.

Whenever they question me it's for my judgement or for things I do; the same thing I question them for. Because we never take our own good advice so we need to hear the same advice from someone else. And now I've been blessed with new friends. I found FW last year. He's become one of my closest. I met two wonderful girls last year and now I talk to one of them almost every day, a strong, intelligent woman with some self doubt but with amazing insight. And then there's him. A friend but so much more, someone I can't get enough of. The things he talk about, the way he sounds, everything about him. He can keep me intrigued for hours.

I don't love them because I need them; I need them because I love them.



I got you covered buddy

It was one of those mornings. Some workers were arriving at 7.30 in the morning and I had to shower and get dressed before they arrived. Because of the stress I slipped in the bathroom and scared L half to death when I almost hit my head on the side of the bathtub. Mommy must be still, don't run inside!! Is what he told me. Clever boy.

Breakfast was interresting. Since I was on the phone until 3 a.m. I must have been tired when I put away the cellphone charger... When I was making breakfast for Leon I found the charger in the fridge on top of the butter, right next to the milk. Next thing I did was trying to put butter on L's sandwich with a fork. Sure, it works, but a knife is much easier. Mental note for me there. Check!

Update on the weather contract: NOTHING! Not one word. Not the slighest improvement  Bigger update tomorrow. Ooh, you can't wait!



Could this be the weather God mocking us by dancing with an umbrella when there's no rain. I mean, I thought my offers where pretty good. Let's just agree on that Mr Weather God (yes, it's a man, a woman would be much more gentle).

This wasn't the best day for a day in town, but I didn't realise that until I sat on the bus. The wind, rain and the cold is getting to all of us. It's typically Swedish to live up to everyone's expectations since we don't want to make anyone disappointed.

But I'm saying that it stops right here! No more rain, no more cold. We want four, maybe even five warm months of the year and only three months of snow. These are our demands and you (whoever this is to) will just have to give in! Our part of the deal is to set up a REAL Swedish bikini team if you give us those five months of warm weather! Another prejudice thing about Sweden is that we're all sluts so I'll talk to my fellow blondes over here and we might even throw some slutting in to the agreement.  Deal?  Awesome.

Ps. I'll stop eating anything exotic and just eat all of those balls that we like so much over here (Fish, meat, chicken, you name it, we love them as long as they're balls) if you give us a free pass to the world championship in South Africa next summer. You know we deserve it!! Ds.



Fiskbullar i hummersås med knäckemacka (Fishballs in lobstersauce and hard bread)

I couldn't go the doctor today. I was not allowed to eat or take my medicine before testing and I think I planned it poorly because I got one of those episodes with the sphincter, and we all know I can't leave the house when I'm in pain. Now it's alright though and I've spent this day drinking coffee and sorting old papers and clothes. So this place still looks like shit but my file cabinet and my closet looks amazing. Priorities: Not my strongest side.

I have been listening to my biggest idol in singing: Lisa Nilsson. I remember that I cried (yes, the silent tears) when I heard her song Vem live at Circus in Stockholm a couple of years ago.

This song: Varje gång jag ser dig (Every time I see you) was one of my favourites as a child. That chubby girl with her ears sticking out from her hair didn't believe the bullies when we put her album from '92 on in the car. I firmly believed that someone would feel for me, as she did for that man in the song. I believed that someone would see my qualities once I got older and my childish nose got more mature, my hair got thicker and I got blue eyes like everybody else. Now I like those pictures of me from when I was little. My chubby nose is the same, and Leon has got the exact same one. My hair is short so it can't misbehave on me and my eyes will always be green and I'm kind of thankful I didn't grow out of that. I'm comfortable in my own skin and with my mind. I guess that horrible year in Germany was something that will always stick with me, made me a bit more humble, and lord knows I needed that.



Bex, 1984.

I guess I could give you short stories, not to give it all away.

But my mind doesn't work like that you see, I always say all there is to say.

I could go on and find something second best, something that would be much more safe.

But you've never held his hand, or felt, how I feel in his embrace.

I don't have to be that beautiful, strong or even clever.

So I get shy when I'm around him, but still more like myself than ever.

He's been far away for a long time now, more than out of sight.

But I feel he's getting closer, though I won't be next to him tonight.

'Cause the truth is not much matters, than that without him, there's something missing.

I just went through my album from Bristol and I found these two birds. They were so confused and I didn't realise then that taking a picture of them wouldn't show how confused they were. But it doesn't matter. I remember standing there with mr. FB laughing at them. That's how it is: When you're in a good mood everything is great and that's why I know the doctor's appointment will be just fine tomorrow. After that talk I had tonight, nothing can bring me down.

I don't cry about it. I made my mind up when I found out that I wouldn't cry about it. Still, when we started talking about it today, I couldn't stop myself. I always talk through the tears but stop before they fall from my eyes, onto my cheeks. So I clench my jaws to stop more tears from coming and I close my small fists really hard and I feel like punching someone. My hair stands up on the back of my neck and I get so angry that I'm thankful that I have a temper I can handle and that I don't have the physical strength to hurt anyone. Angry tears are better than sad ones. I can handle anger, not sadness.

I made a short remark to the girls today about the blog. I told them about that I was going to write something more fun and positive. It's just that all that is positive right now is my son and even though that the love for a child is the biggest thing you can own, I'm starting to feel empty. It's too much of a struggle and next week I have three doctors apointments. Three days out of five. Life sucks and I'm bitter. 2009 was really our year, right NB?!...



There's nothing threatening about a woman's fists. We use our minds instead. That's why breathing and rebooting is better.

I'm so tired these days. I know it's the disease and after taking new blood tests on Monday they will put me on a new medication. It feels like someone has put lead inside my veins (Hello wolverine!). I move much slower and fatigue hits me like a bat over my head when I least expect it. It's just been one of those days again. The pain set in at about 14.00 (sounds like I'm in the army...) and I took some nitro-glycerine and the pain went away. Well, that pain did. I got a massive headache instead. Enough about that, I even bore myself sometimes!

NB is coming over in 30 minutes and we will watch a chick-flick just to forget about our problems. Love is awesome but talking about it makes this lead-filled body even more tired ‘cause then it's like I let it spread to my brain as well.

He talked to me yesterday. I've always had this thing about not telling too much about good stuff otherwise it will go away, so I'll stop there. I talked to him, it made me very happy and I hope he doesn't go away. He's real, no freaking mirage, but I can't take losing a friend right now. Not this one.

I'm going to develop some old (and new) pictures to put in my empty frames, and then put them up on the wall and today I came across this one. I love it, ‘cause I remember how happy I was (even though I looked like shit!). L is what makes this world of mine go ‘round. I love him. Jag älskar honom mer än något annat!!

This day started out good but after talking to my doctor it drastically turned on me. She talked to me about the x-ray I did a few weeks ago and they saw that it's impossible to operate since some organs are totally missing (we knew this, but still hoped there were some fragments of them left), and the gall-duct isn't working as fast as they thought. So having the kind of surgery we had planned would be unnecessary and just make things worse. When I asked her what our next step would be she said: diet and exercise plans. This is a disease that doesn't go away if you can't have surgery. We have to make it easier for you to live with and put you in perfect condition (minus this freaking thing that ain't working!!)..

So a new diet (again), stronger meds and more frequent check ups. Do you know what that really means?? THEY CAN'T DO SHIT!!! (for now, I hope)

So, to make a long story short: FUCK!

The rain is still falling and the wind is so hard that I almost broke my umbrella on my way home earlier. You can see the disappointment that is written on everyone's faces that the sun left us this early. Well, on everyone's faces except for mine. I love sitting here looking out of my window at the trees blowing in the wind. When a really big drop of rain hits my window and it rolls down it, slowly, changing direction as it goes it reminds me of those silent tears people with too much pride let out. I've let those kind of tears roll down my cheeks these last few weeks. Not for him, they were there earlier, but what I went through with him triggered this. I've been fighting to keep my walls up because I have to stay strong to get myself through this disease. My invisible walls will protect me and my child from people who has got nothing in them but malice. I feel stupid and naive for letting someone inside those walls but the first time he took my hand and led me over the street, he made a small hole in the wall that gradually got bigger with every kiss he gave me. Now it's time to fill that hole and make my wall strong and solid again.

I'm not weak and I'm not an emotional masochist. I'm a single mother that works hard to give my son everything. I take care of myself and I'm fighting a disease and I'm good at it. I'm a good fighter so I won't let love break me down. How stupid would that be?!

 

Writing has always made me feel at ease, mellow... happy.

I've thought a lot about that I'm not going to be a single parent (in the way I have been) anymore in some time. AN will start to take some of his responsibility soon and I really have to keep myself busy during that time that L is away. I'm single and have no one to do stuff with when he's gone. I have all of my friends but I wish I could have some one to talk to on another level when L is gone. ‘Cause all I think about when L is at his dads is: I wonder what they're doing now. I wonder if he remembers to do this, I wonder if he remembers to do that. What if L doesn't want to come home again?!   I know he does and I'm so happy that me and AN really solved everything, became friends and left all the bitterness behind us. And we're moving slow, as we should for Leon's sake, we don't have to stress this.

Without L home I feel lonely. It's empty and when I've picked up all of his toys and put them back into his room it's as if I live here all alone. No one wakes me up in the morning, not even a man and it makes me feel lonely and, yes, I feel a bit sorry for myself. Maybe I do need that personality makeover that I wrote about earlier. Or have I just met the wrong men? Or maybe I just miss him... Yeah, I miss him. Fuck I miss him!

Did you pick my mind Alicia before you wrote this album?

 

Eating Ice cream in the sun with CK and hanging out on her lawn playing games and talking surely made this Monday into a perfect one. The sun has been eating away at me all day though and my back is so red and hot that you could fry something on it.