mommychaos

I need you all now. I need him most of all but now he's gone and therefore I need my friends even more. I need to think about something else and I need you to not even allow me to talk about this. Is there anything more to say?? I wanted nothing more but I didn't get it, so what? Move on like he's doing and don't be a wimp, don't be weak. So I'm putting on that mask, the one I didn't want to put on again. I've been naked for a while now but it's coming on again and I don't want to fall in love again, I don't want to fall in love ever again, never ever again will I fall in love.

Fuck love and all the emotions and how it makes your heart feel all warm and strong and then something happens, someone makes a rash decision and it all goes away. I don't want it again, never again will I let myself fall in love and I will never put my guard down again. I will let my little man get all my love because no other man will ever get it. I won't tell another man I love him, be swept away with all of it when it was just doomed to end anyways. I'm being ripped apart from the inside and I can't stop it, I can't make it go away. He feels the same way but still there's nothing to do to make it better and I hate us for it, I hate us for not solving it. I hate myself for not going over there, showing him how amazing it would be. But fuck it, fuck amazing and fuck love. Fuck love because I don't want to fall in love again, I don't want to fall in love ever again, never ever again will I let myself and my stupid fucking heart do this to me. Never ever ever ever again.

There's nothing in comparison but I will get over it, some day. But what I will never do is to let myself be this happy for something again. I was happy about the future, about loving someone who loved me back, but without repeating myself; Fuck love! I don't want to fall in love again, I will never LET myself fall in love again and I will never let my walls fall down. Don't hold another hand, don't get butterflies from his smile, don't laugh at his jokes and don't let him fucking in!!! Easy: Don't love.

I'm sick. Oh yes, I have a high fever and my throat is swollen on the outside. My ears itch so I'm just waiting for some kind of inflammation of the ear to break out and I seriously don't need that. It's warm outside and I have an exam on Friday and new classes that starts on Monday which I haven't bought my books for yet. Stressed, oh yes.

I'm trying to think that I haven't lost anything but I can't even watch Harry Potter without feeling sad. The name Fred is there and his name is there too, said in that sweet accent I like so much. No one but us knows what Fred is, and I like it that way. I like the personal things we've build up and that's why it's hard to think that I haven't lost anything; that I've only gained an experience. I don't feel that way at all. So why am I pouring my heart out here? Because I can't stand talking about it with my friends anymore. Enough is enough at all times and now I just need to talk to him and write about it here.

I could understand if my friends' ears were starting to get infected by all the noise I've put them through. So I'm going to spare them before that happens (and before I get some kind of vocal cord infection to match the one I'm getting in my ears).

A couple of years ago I read the book The rainbow only has eight colours for the first time. It's a book written by the Swedish author Peter Pohl. Just like all of his books it's a tragic story about a small boy with a lot of depth. This boy thinks that every time he gets too happy about something, every time he lets someone in, something awful happens to them or at worst case scenario they die. So every time he loves he hurts the people he loves just by being happy. The worst part of it is that he's right; he's cursed. He's meant to be unhappy and unloved for the rest of his life. The last chapter of the book is so awful that I cried like someone I knew had died. Those tears you cry when you're totally helpless and you know that there is no way to change what just happened. No turning back, no taking it back.

It's one of my favourite books so I wanted to take the book out of the bookshelf today but I didn't. I can't stand reading about the difficulties of a small boy because I know his pain (fictional or not) is far worse than mine and right now I can't handle it. I can handle my friends pain, I can actually handle it better than I thought I would. Almost all of us are going through some kind of a personal hell right now so THANK GOD we've got each other!

I've been listening to this song a lot lately. Not because it reminds me of him because he never treated me badly at all, but because the song has got it right; I've only got me, myself and I in the end. I want him right there next to me, myself and I though.
 
 

The cat is chasing a moth, my son is asleep and the neighbours are throwing some kind of piano/violin-party. No, they don't give a shit that it's Monday night. For someone who has been having the wettest weekend of her life, their little piano night is not really what I need right now.

Every time he entered my mind the Vodka Absolut Mango (thanks for that tip CK) helped me out this weekend. Nothing helped this Saturday though.. No drink, no music, nothing. The lyrics of every song felt like they were written by me and when Use somebody by Kings of Leon was played, I couldn't hold it back. I haven't cried in a bathroom stall since I lived in Germany. Refreshing? Not really. Uplifting? Not the slightest.


 

There's a million people underneath the sun

That can find a million more but never find the one

Last night was just what I needed. The Dubliner is, even though it's been relocated, the best place to be when you want to think about something else and just get away. It's been moved to Hötorget, which makes it easier for us to get there too.

On another note he's deleted me from facebook. I got upset about it and I still am, I thought we could try to be friends and not loose everything we had, ‘cause we did have a great friendship. I was obviously wrong. Wrong or naive, whichever you prefer.

So, dinner tonight at my parents house with my grandmother and then I'm going out with different friends but to the same place. I know one thing and that is that when it comes to friends, I'm truly blessed.

Yeah, I jinxed it. I got too happy about it so it went away. My choice, sure, whatever, still doesn't make it easier. One more heart broken and my pride wounded but I guess I'm one experience richer. If we find our way back to each other no one will be happier than me, but I'm not holding my breath waiting for it to happen.

Instead I'm looking for a trip to Dublin. Just a weekend away, it's so cheap to go there so I'm going really soon. Maybe when I get my tax-money back (the ones that magically disappeared and then reappeared, pff), maybe just within two weeks. I can go and find a dress to my brother's wedding, drink beer (I can't have a vodka orange in Dublin) and just listen to the Irish people on the street and talk to them. I love their way of being and I think a dose of Irish is just what I need.

It's already empty without him. The rain is falling down outside and it's cold in my apartment. Sometimes the weather outside shows you how you feel on the inside: Tear-filled, grey and not sure which direction to choose.



Waiting for the lightning to strike.

I need to think about something else than my life. I need to go out, hang out with my friends and just party. Drink all kinds of drinks that I don't like just to end up with a vodka and juice as I always do. I want to dress up, put too much make up on, big ear rings and leave my glasses at home just so I can look and feel prettier (might be ‘cause I can't see my own reflection without my glasses on). I want to dance like no one's watching and feel good about myself.

So, persistent as always, I got myself a babysitter for Saturday night. Make yourself ready girls because on Saturday it's our night and Stockholm better be ready for me and my dancing shoes; stuffed with too much vodka and orange.

I need a break from my school books. They're lying right here next to me, mocking me in weird voices (probably in Greek too, damn philosophers). I promise to get back to them in a minute.

I got my first assignment back a couple of hours ago and my teachers note at the end said: For your next essay I would want you to include the questions for the grade A as well since I think you're too good at this to only answer the B and C questions. Have some faith in yourself. Great job!"

Has he been reading my blog or something? I mean, that's what I've been writing and thinking about: having more faith in myself. He just made it so much easier and that's what teachers are supposed to do.

So, hello schoolbooks, you can stop calling me names in Greek now. I'm back.

So today was a big day for me when it comes to choices. I've chosen what classes I want and need to take so I can apply for the university of my choice next year. Well, like S.L. said today: "Why dream small when you can dream big?!"

I don't think anyone who's living the dream ever thought that they weren't smart enough. And when you look at it, most of them probably aren't smart enough but instead they have the self confidence that could take anyone anywhere. So that's what's important: Self confidence and self trust.

In the Bex we trust! Write it down somewhere and turn it in to your mantra, because in a few (a bit more than a few, but still..) years, that mantra will be a slogan and that slogan will be just as important and serious as Bill Gates balance.



The library, the smell of old books and the history of it, all the knowledge or entertainment it has brought to all the people who's held it in their hands. The smell of new books that no one has ever looked in and the new experience it will soon give me. Reading, writing. Books, books, books. Love them.

Stockholm is expanding. No, we're still around 2 million people living here, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the waistline. Yes people, we're getting fatter. I couldn't help but notice when I walked through Södermalm yesterday. Götgatan was filled with people with fit arms, muscular legs and slim faces. But let me just say that I wasn't the only one with a mommy tummy. Men and women in all ages looked the same: Fit bodies but with a tummy like a hog.

We've always been fit in Sweden but something's happening and I know I'm evil when I say that I like this new trend. I've always been bigger and now when I'm starting to loose weight everyone else seem to gain it instead. So as I said to my cousin yesterday: Meet you half ways peeps!



Put a pair of expensive sunglasses, a shirt tied around his neck and a pair of those ridiculous sailorshoes on and this hog might aswell be a Stockholm brat.

I know I'm not brave when it comes to certain things. I hate making calls to the government, applying for jobs or talking to teachers on the phone. I get shy and weird about it. But when people start talking about me not being brave at ALL I have the right to get upset.

I could tell you all about the brave choices I've made. I could tell you about the decision to keep a baby, knowing I was going to raise it myself. I could tell you about all the choices around that and all the things I've had to do to make it work.

I could tell them about having my heart broken but still believing in love and going all in, waiting for that river-card with a cold sweat and my heart beating way too fast.  I could tell them about being scared but doing it anyways ‘cause I'm brave enough to make it work.

I could tell you about quitting work and start studying again. Turning my back on easy, but little, money to get my intelligence valuated and put down on a piece of paper to give me and the little one a better future.

Well, I could tell you that, but I wont. I wont brag about being braver than most. I wont brag about being the best I can be even though all the responsibility scares me. But one day I'll have someone to share it with, I will have what I want because I fight for it and I put my heart and my feelings on the line. I never want to look back thinking "What if"...

Now That's being brave.



I'm there in the background, I like it that way these days.

Sorry about the delay. I guess I've had too much stuff on my mind and I haven't had time to share my thoughts to anyone but my friends and him. My diary is full, my notebook with songs and poetry is getting there and my chest is now inhabited by butterflies. It's a nice sensation, one I haven't really gone through before. Sure I felt something like it ten years ago, but I was a kid back then, now I'm grown up and it takes so much more to get yourself through all of this.

I'll write more later and I promise not to take another break in the writing again, at least not for this long. I hate it when A.H. doesn't update her blog for a long time. I mean, no books are as good as a persons true thoughts.
 


I've been busy living my life, sorry about that. ;)