mommychaos

It does hurt to be a nerd sometimes. I am already a head in my English studies and it feels as if there's been a fire lit in my chest because I have to wait for one of my Swedish books to arrive.

Life is changing right now but it also feels like I'm stuck on the same spot, so I'm trying to do something about that. I try to keep myself cool but it's not (Read: never) that easy for me. In short; life is what it always has been; extremely confusing and somewhat of a drag at the same time. It’s so weird that those two things seem to go together like peas and carrots.

Slow, slow, slow. Everything is moving so slow. I want time to move faster. Maybe if I did something with my time, maybe then it would move faster?!... But what to do though?

Sometimes I think that I will be a mother of one and that’s it. But then they come along; the amazing babies. Sure my little boy was an amazing baby who’s grown up to be an amazing little boy. But now he sleeps all through the night, he goes to the toilet by himself and I don’t have to freak out if I’m not in the same room as him 24/7.

But… after hanging out with my friend’s little son Hector and now my nephew I just know that I want to be a
mother of atleast two…maybe three, who knows. I just want a big family. I want my son to have siblings on this side too, ‘cause I know his father will get other children but the more the merrier, right?

In about an hour, me and my little man are off to my brother’s house to spend a day with him and my nephew. It feels nice to know that others are live and kicking this early in the morning too. We always have to wait for everyone to get up and get ready, so nothing usually happens until after lunch time, which feels like a waste of time when you get up at 7 a.m. So I’m going to finish my cup of coffee, try to shove a sandwich down my throat and then we’re off.

My little man loves Spiderman. The only character I’ve tried to avoid for a long time is suddenly his biggest hero. So I thought I’d have a little intervention.

Me: Look sweety, this is Harry Potter, he’s a wizard!!
Him: Can he fly?
Me: yes, with a broomstick he can.
(He rolls his eyes like a teenager and tries to walk away from the tv)
Me: He can do magic!!
Him: does he have spiderwebs in his arms??
Me: um… no… but he can do magic.
Him (while rolling his eyes again): Spiderman has webs in his arms and he flies between houses.

And then, while doing his best Ricky Lake-impression, he leaves me in front of the tv where I look at Harry Potter all by myself. Two days later he passes the tv while I’m watching it again and he says: he doesn’t look as good as spiderman. Black is boring!



Here Spiderman actually is black... I wonder how Leon would feel about that?!...

So what’s new? Well I start Swedish and English classes on Monday and then I’m finished with those subjects. That’s a shame really, ’cause I love both subjects but maybe I’ll just take more of them on university later?! Oh well, let’s think about that some other day.

What else is new?...  Well Spiderman has moved in and it doesn’t look like he’s planning on leaving either. This year we’ve had a robot, Pelle Svanslös (a Swedish cartooned cat) and now Spiderman as roommates. So life with my little kid is never boring. What disturbs me though is how I always end up being the bad guy and how he loves to punish me for doing things. He calls me ”bad crook” and ties me up with invisible rope and throws me in a dungeon (don’t ask me where he got that from) and let’s me sit there until ”bad crook has promised to be nice again and says she’s sorry for doing the bad crook-stuff she just did”.  Who am I to argue (especially since he never tells me what kind of bad crook stuff I’ve done)? So I just sit there, reading a magazine until Spiderman has decided to let me out of the dungeon again.

I can hear him coughing in bed right now. He fell asleep in my bed and in ten minutes I will go in there and carry him to his bed and put the covers over him. I remember how it felt when dad did that when I was a kid. I remember feeling how cold but still warm the covers in my bed were. Sweet.

Once again I’ve been keeping myself a bit too busy to find something to write about. I have so much to write about, been doing so many things but I just want to keep them for myself. Cuddling and kissing that man, talking to him and also trying to keep up with my little three year old Spiderman has made me too busy for my friends. I’ve been taking care of myself aswell. Trying to keep up with my thoughts, and you all know what a hazzle that can be for me. But I’ll be back soon. I warned you about this but as I said; I’ll be back soon and I hope you’ll be ready for me.



One half of a happy couple in the Bristol wind

So in just a couple of days time I’ve gotten myself a room mate for a while plus made a big decision. This takes a lot of planning but then again planning is what I do best. I’m staying positive because the butterflies in my chest and the feeling of home and being safe with him won’t go away, I’m sure of it. We're worth a try (a hundred tries even) so now I'm just eager to make this happen. Now now now.

Wish I could say home at last, but that’s not really how I feel. Right now I just want to take my bags, my little man and leave this place. Sure I’d miss my friends and my family but I wouldn’t be away for too long, I promise. I need that experience and I want that man. Feels as if I’ve made my mind up.

The trip was fine. Sure I was tired because the bus arrived an hour too late and the bus was as hot as an oven. But the second I stepped out of the bus I felt at ease again. Two eyes, that tall body and a kiss: Who wouldn’t feel right at home?!

So, a lot to do tomorrow (today? It's after midnight after all). Loads of loose ends to tie up and I want to make bows of all of them. Make everything look more beautiful than they really are.

I don't need to clear my head anymore ‘cause I would do best with a totally new one. Every time my cell phone blinks, makes the slightest noise (or if someone even breaths and the cell phone is close to me) I jump in my seat. I've been trying to study but I can't concentrate. My wardrobe never got reorganized because I just sat down on the floor, surrounded by clothes, bags and shoes, not knowing what to do with them. I find myself making coffee in the morning, getting lost in my own thoughts just to look down at the coffee maker thinking; What was I doing again?.. Ah, coffee!

My head is cluttered and parts of it have just gotten tired of me so it doesn't let me in anymore. I can't concentrate and I can't think straight. I need a break from myself, but that's hard. I hate saying impossible, but hey, that's what life, love and friendship feels like right now; impossible.

Every time I go somewhere that requires packing, I always worry that my things won't fit in to the bag. Well, after I checked last night I realised that it won't be a problem and it never has been. This is just so typically me; worrying about things that I don't need to worry about. Last time I went to Bristol I packed everything in a backpack and do you know what? It all fit, I even had space to pack more if I wanted to and I didn't even wear all of the things that I'd packed...

Don't think about things that are out of your hands.

Remember your friends love you even when you mess up.

I'll sit by the phone, call whenever.

Everyone sees how amazing you are; believe them even when one person fails to see it.

Stupid thing to do but he'll see it for what it is, he's smart enough and you know it. Relax.

Those are sentences from my friends either heard over the phone or texted to me. Thanks guys for being so different and having different views on everything. It makes me become a better and more open person and I love you all for helping me become that.

In a little more than a weeks time I will be rolling in on that familiar bus to that city where that man lives. It's nerve-racking but it feels amazingly sweet at the same time. I know how I will feel when I arrive at Skavsta Airport next Friday, surrounded by Swedish people with thick accents, in croc-flippers talking way too loudly ‘cause they're so excited about going to London. I know how I will feel when I arrive at Stansted, going through the passport check, looking at their bored faces behind the counters saying "thank you" in their; I'm so pissed off that I have to do this eight hours a day that I just want to slap the passports in your head-voices. When I get out of the airport I will be in a hurry to catch the bus to London and I will be nervous for about an hour that I've taken the wrong one and will arrive at another part of London that I was meant to and miss my bus to Bristol. But I won't. I will arrive right outside Victoria Coach Station, get money from the atm, buy a bottle of water, have a cigarette outside the bus station, go in and wait for the bus. While waiting for the bus I will get freaked out by the pigeons that fly around everywhere. When I finally get on the bus my heart will skip about three beats because I know that in 2 hours I will arrive at that city, passing all the places we've been to and 30 minutes after that... I arrive. On time, as always.

The sun is shining again both outside my window and inside my chest. But... I have too much to do as always. I thought I was ahead in school but I was wrong. So my plan for this weekend was to study during the evenings and nights but instead I got a fever, aching arms and swollen eyes. So I spent last night on the couch with a cup of coffee (or four...) watching the athletics on TV and then I got to have his voice in my ear for a long time.

If I have to hear "Buzz lightyear to the rescue!!" or "We come in peace!" one more time I will make my little mans Buzz Lightyear robot mysteriously disappear, just like his small electric piano did. It just vanished... maybe the pirates stole it? That's my story anyways and I'm sticking with it.

Anywhoo, since I have a fever today I'm going to take it easy. Clean for a bit and do some ironing. But first I'm going to make an amazing lunch for me and my little man. Something with chicken always makes him happy. So chicken it is!!



That's exactly what his robot looks like. "THE robot" as he calls it.

I'm off to the forest to pick mushrooms in a minute. I've missed it. Walking around with my wellington boots just listening to the silence of the forest. I love it and I'm so happy that my son loves the forest as much as I do.

I don't think I need to hold my breath this time. I think I need to inhale and exhale in a steady pace and just let things happen. I want nothing more than this and therefor I will make it happen.

Had a sleepless night last night again. I'm feeling much better now and I was kept company over msn so that was nice.

I realised something earlier today; I haven't watched the news for months and I flip through a newspaper maybe once a week. I have no idea what's going on out in the world and the worst part of this is that I really haven't cared. But today I'm going to go through all the Swedish newspapers online. So if you read this blog tomorrow and I've written about something you've known for months and that isn't upsetting at all (for you!) anymore, just be quiet. Let me be upset for a while. I'll catch up with the news, it's just going to take a while.

Tonight I'm finishing the most liberating thing I've done for months; cleaning out my closet. First of all it was so needed and second of all I felt so good about myself when I wasn't clinging on to the shirts, dresses and skirts that I haven't worn for years. I've only kept them for sentimental reasons and now is the time to be less sentimental.

Wouldn't it be nice if you could do the same thing with thoughts and memories? Put them in a big, black plastic bag and just toss it away. Say goodbye to cuddling and holding hands with someone you've lost. Say goodbye to the pain when someone dies and leaves you forever. Say goodbye to the bad things you've done and bad things that have been done to you. In my case, that would be a big bag. Bag lady Bex.

So I went to bed for a couple of hours (one and a half to be more exact) and then I woke up from the pain on the left side. Now I feel like I just shouldn't have bothered to go to bed at all. I took my big night dose of painkillers before my little man came home so I could sit on the floor and play with him. So now I can't take any more until 6 a.m. which means I will be standing in front of my computer or walk around cleaning for 3½ hours... sweet? Not really, no.

I can't sit or lay down for more than 20 minutes so I guess I have to call the hospital tomorrow but I can't have surgery now, what if I'm not going to be able to go to England if I have surgery. No, no. I need to go there and work my magic on that man and find a dress for my brother's wedding. I've searched all over Sweden for a man and a dress that suits me and since I found the man in England, I'm thinking that the dress must be there too. This is logical thinking when it's at its peak! Just nod and agree.

Time for a big and strong cup of coffee and I might even dance (upper body only!) to the kitchen while singing along to Robin Thicke, in a high pitched I just squeezed my privates in a vice-kind of way (sorry for always being so figurative).

Sleep and relaxing with friends was what I needed, so that's what I've been doing this weekend. Now I'm looking forward to getting my little man back in a couple of hours. I've set up his small railway in his room, made a fruit salad and I'm all set for playing and cuddling with him until it's time to read Peter Pan or the Gruffalo books, whichever he chooses for tonight.

The pain is still there and so are the bruises from the blood tests making me look like a total junkie. But after last night and the relaxing I've done this weekend I've decided to stay really positive about everything. I missed my sister in law's bachelorette party but I will make it up to her when I'm better. Maybe steal their son for a while so they can pretend they're on an early honeymoon.
 


Keep on shining in the rain and I'll make my own rainbow.

Sometimes life is very ironic. You walk around worrying about things and you think you have your plate full but then God, or whoever decides what happens in life, hands you another plate full of new problems; new things to worry about.

I'm not worried, or I would like to say I'm not. I'm worried about dragging behind in school. Worried about the help I might need with my little man and what I know all of this does to my mood and what my mood does with my head. My head and my talkative mouth, that mouth that always tells truths that are uncomfortable for people to hear. Sometimes they're not even truths but just thoughts and accusations. I'm worried about all of that and it all started yesterday, because of one small cyst and getting up on that treadmill of life that just won't leave me alone.

I feel left out. I feel lonely and stuck. I feel like I need rebooting again but I'm worried about how many times you can press the ctrl+alt+del buttons without needing to replace the hard drives completely. My little man loves playing a robot and I think I will join him for the easy life of a robot right now. Turn my switch off for a couple of hours, sleep and then go back to real life in the morning. Sleep, that's all we need; us robots.

Now the hotel is booked. I've been thinking you see (yes, I do that, too much even or so I've heard) so that's why it's been taking so long for me to decide. I've been thinking about if I should stay at the same hotel as last time or not. The positive thing is that I know where I'm going. I could even walk to the hotel from the bus stop and I know my way around there, strange, but true. On the other hand that elevator, those beds, the glass (!) door to the bathroom; I've seen it all with him. I've walked in and out from the entrance, looking at the Spanish restaurant across the street thinking: I wish I could sit with him on that bench every day of my life.

I decided to live at the same hotel. I decided to go through all of those things and yes I will want him to walk next to me by that fountain and I will want him to try and push me in. But it's alright. Those are good memories, painful yes, but good, and I'm not pushing them in a fountain. I'm not flushing them down or drowning them just because it hurts to think about it. Nope, I'll be brave again. Brave, strong and determined; ‘cause I will try my best to get what I want. Make no mistake about that!



I've got my eyes sat on that one..