mommychaos

So, a lot to do tomorrow (today? It's after midnight after all). Loads of loose ends to tie up and I want to make bows of all of them. Make everything look more beautiful than they really are.

I don't need to clear my head anymore ‘cause I would do best with a totally new one. Every time my cell phone blinks, makes the slightest noise (or if someone even breaths and the cell phone is close to me) I jump in my seat. I've been trying to study but I can't concentrate. My wardrobe never got reorganized because I just sat down on the floor, surrounded by clothes, bags and shoes, not knowing what to do with them. I find myself making coffee in the morning, getting lost in my own thoughts just to look down at the coffee maker thinking; What was I doing again?.. Ah, coffee!

My head is cluttered and parts of it have just gotten tired of me so it doesn't let me in anymore. I can't concentrate and I can't think straight. I need a break from myself, but that's hard. I hate saying impossible, but hey, that's what life, love and friendship feels like right now; impossible.

Every time I go somewhere that requires packing, I always worry that my things won't fit in to the bag. Well, after I checked last night I realised that it won't be a problem and it never has been. This is just so typically me; worrying about things that I don't need to worry about. Last time I went to Bristol I packed everything in a backpack and do you know what? It all fit, I even had space to pack more if I wanted to and I didn't even wear all of the things that I'd packed...

Don't think about things that are out of your hands.

Remember your friends love you even when you mess up.

I'll sit by the phone, call whenever.

Everyone sees how amazing you are; believe them even when one person fails to see it.

Stupid thing to do but he'll see it for what it is, he's smart enough and you know it. Relax.

Those are sentences from my friends either heard over the phone or texted to me. Thanks guys for being so different and having different views on everything. It makes me become a better and more open person and I love you all for helping me become that.

In a little more than a weeks time I will be rolling in on that familiar bus to that city where that man lives. It's nerve-racking but it feels amazingly sweet at the same time. I know how I will feel when I arrive at Skavsta Airport next Friday, surrounded by Swedish people with thick accents, in croc-flippers talking way too loudly ‘cause they're so excited about going to London. I know how I will feel when I arrive at Stansted, going through the passport check, looking at their bored faces behind the counters saying "thank you" in their; I'm so pissed off that I have to do this eight hours a day that I just want to slap the passports in your head-voices. When I get out of the airport I will be in a hurry to catch the bus to London and I will be nervous for about an hour that I've taken the wrong one and will arrive at another part of London that I was meant to and miss my bus to Bristol. But I won't. I will arrive right outside Victoria Coach Station, get money from the atm, buy a bottle of water, have a cigarette outside the bus station, go in and wait for the bus. While waiting for the bus I will get freaked out by the pigeons that fly around everywhere. When I finally get on the bus my heart will skip about three beats because I know that in 2 hours I will arrive at that city, passing all the places we've been to and 30 minutes after that... I arrive. On time, as always.

The sun is shining again both outside my window and inside my chest. But... I have too much to do as always. I thought I was ahead in school but I was wrong. So my plan for this weekend was to study during the evenings and nights but instead I got a fever, aching arms and swollen eyes. So I spent last night on the couch with a cup of coffee (or four...) watching the athletics on TV and then I got to have his voice in my ear for a long time.

If I have to hear "Buzz lightyear to the rescue!!" or "We come in peace!" one more time I will make my little mans Buzz Lightyear robot mysteriously disappear, just like his small electric piano did. It just vanished... maybe the pirates stole it? That's my story anyways and I'm sticking with it.

Anywhoo, since I have a fever today I'm going to take it easy. Clean for a bit and do some ironing. But first I'm going to make an amazing lunch for me and my little man. Something with chicken always makes him happy. So chicken it is!!



That's exactly what his robot looks like. "THE robot" as he calls it.

I'm off to the forest to pick mushrooms in a minute. I've missed it. Walking around with my wellington boots just listening to the silence of the forest. I love it and I'm so happy that my son loves the forest as much as I do.

I don't think I need to hold my breath this time. I think I need to inhale and exhale in a steady pace and just let things happen. I want nothing more than this and therefor I will make it happen.

Had a sleepless night last night again. I'm feeling much better now and I was kept company over msn so that was nice.

I realised something earlier today; I haven't watched the news for months and I flip through a newspaper maybe once a week. I have no idea what's going on out in the world and the worst part of this is that I really haven't cared. But today I'm going to go through all the Swedish newspapers online. So if you read this blog tomorrow and I've written about something you've known for months and that isn't upsetting at all (for you!) anymore, just be quiet. Let me be upset for a while. I'll catch up with the news, it's just going to take a while.

Tonight I'm finishing the most liberating thing I've done for months; cleaning out my closet. First of all it was so needed and second of all I felt so good about myself when I wasn't clinging on to the shirts, dresses and skirts that I haven't worn for years. I've only kept them for sentimental reasons and now is the time to be less sentimental.

Wouldn't it be nice if you could do the same thing with thoughts and memories? Put them in a big, black plastic bag and just toss it away. Say goodbye to cuddling and holding hands with someone you've lost. Say goodbye to the pain when someone dies and leaves you forever. Say goodbye to the bad things you've done and bad things that have been done to you. In my case, that would be a big bag. Bag lady Bex.

So I went to bed for a couple of hours (one and a half to be more exact) and then I woke up from the pain on the left side. Now I feel like I just shouldn't have bothered to go to bed at all. I took my big night dose of painkillers before my little man came home so I could sit on the floor and play with him. So now I can't take any more until 6 a.m. which means I will be standing in front of my computer or walk around cleaning for 3½ hours... sweet? Not really, no.

I can't sit or lay down for more than 20 minutes so I guess I have to call the hospital tomorrow but I can't have surgery now, what if I'm not going to be able to go to England if I have surgery. No, no. I need to go there and work my magic on that man and find a dress for my brother's wedding. I've searched all over Sweden for a man and a dress that suits me and since I found the man in England, I'm thinking that the dress must be there too. This is logical thinking when it's at its peak! Just nod and agree.

Time for a big and strong cup of coffee and I might even dance (upper body only!) to the kitchen while singing along to Robin Thicke, in a high pitched I just squeezed my privates in a vice-kind of way (sorry for always being so figurative).

Sleep and relaxing with friends was what I needed, so that's what I've been doing this weekend. Now I'm looking forward to getting my little man back in a couple of hours. I've set up his small railway in his room, made a fruit salad and I'm all set for playing and cuddling with him until it's time to read Peter Pan or the Gruffalo books, whichever he chooses for tonight.

The pain is still there and so are the bruises from the blood tests making me look like a total junkie. But after last night and the relaxing I've done this weekend I've decided to stay really positive about everything. I missed my sister in law's bachelorette party but I will make it up to her when I'm better. Maybe steal their son for a while so they can pretend they're on an early honeymoon.
 


Keep on shining in the rain and I'll make my own rainbow.

Sometimes life is very ironic. You walk around worrying about things and you think you have your plate full but then God, or whoever decides what happens in life, hands you another plate full of new problems; new things to worry about.

I'm not worried, or I would like to say I'm not. I'm worried about dragging behind in school. Worried about the help I might need with my little man and what I know all of this does to my mood and what my mood does with my head. My head and my talkative mouth, that mouth that always tells truths that are uncomfortable for people to hear. Sometimes they're not even truths but just thoughts and accusations. I'm worried about all of that and it all started yesterday, because of one small cyst and getting up on that treadmill of life that just won't leave me alone.

I feel left out. I feel lonely and stuck. I feel like I need rebooting again but I'm worried about how many times you can press the ctrl+alt+del buttons without needing to replace the hard drives completely. My little man loves playing a robot and I think I will join him for the easy life of a robot right now. Turn my switch off for a couple of hours, sleep and then go back to real life in the morning. Sleep, that's all we need; us robots.

Now the hotel is booked. I've been thinking you see (yes, I do that, too much even or so I've heard) so that's why it's been taking so long for me to decide. I've been thinking about if I should stay at the same hotel as last time or not. The positive thing is that I know where I'm going. I could even walk to the hotel from the bus stop and I know my way around there, strange, but true. On the other hand that elevator, those beds, the glass (!) door to the bathroom; I've seen it all with him. I've walked in and out from the entrance, looking at the Spanish restaurant across the street thinking: I wish I could sit with him on that bench every day of my life.

I decided to live at the same hotel. I decided to go through all of those things and yes I will want him to walk next to me by that fountain and I will want him to try and push me in. But it's alright. Those are good memories, painful yes, but good, and I'm not pushing them in a fountain. I'm not flushing them down or drowning them just because it hurts to think about it. Nope, I'll be brave again. Brave, strong and determined; ‘cause I will try my best to get what I want. Make no mistake about that!



I've got my eyes sat on that one..

In a while I will leave this computer for today. Kiss it good night and say: thanks for today love, see you tomorrow. Get all the cables out so my f***ed up cat won't chew on them and put me in a should I keep the bastard or fool someone that he's the best cat in the world, give him away and change my address so the new owners will never find me again-situation. But all of this will happen in an hour or so.

There's always newly washed laundry to hang up, dry laundry to fold, sort and put in the correct place. I need to get my little man's clothes out for tomorrow, set the coffee maker and swear in front of the fridge because we're out of milk again. I have to pick the clothes me and my son wore today up from the floor somewhere and throw them in the laundry basket. I have to do the dishes, wipe the surfaces in the kitchen and feed the cat. No, no, I'm not complaining. Honestly! I like my chores.

I like to have my headphones on and dance around the apartment while I'm putting away my son's clothes in his little chest of drawers, pretending I'm the most amazing looking pop star in the universe. Then I step in front of the mirror, look at my tired face and see what reality really is and get drawn back down to earth again. And it's fine, it's absolutely fine. If I had him, it would even be perfect.

It turned out to be a slow weekend. Just a few drinks and a few laughs, and that was it basically. I met some nice people who I haven't seen for a while and some I haven't seen for years. That's the good thing about not seeing people for a long time: seeing them again feels even more special.

Right now I feel like I want to be a bit anti social for a while. Work out, study and take care of Leon. Doing other things just takes too much effort and I'm not strong enough right now. I have a basement full of stuff to take care of. Things I need to sell and things I need to throw away. And let's not even talk about my wardrobe because Oh Lord!! I need to organize the things around me to be able to organize the chaos inside me.



Sure I can smile.

He did visit me in my dreams last night. It was nice to see him and he was just as tall and green eyed as ever. We stood in an amusement park and he took my hand because he wanted to go on some crazy ride that I wouldn't go on in a million years. We played around and he dragged me and pushed me, in a playful way, to the ride he wanted me to go on. It ended with him kissing me and saying I'll just go myself then. He sighed and shook his head but laughed at the same time when he called me chicken while walking away. I stood there with my arms crossed over my chest, smiling and looking at him, doing a silly have a good time, I feel safe over here thanks-wave. Just as in real life he made me happy, and he doesn't even have to make an effort. Just a smile and that look, that's all I need.

So it's that time of day again: sleep time. I dread it every night because I know that he might pop by in my dreams for a little visit and when I wake up it feels as if my heart has been dragged out of my body, and not in a kind and soft way but in a "GAAH, WE'RE TAKING IT AND KEEPING IT YOU *BEEP*". As I feel right now they might as well keep my heart for a while but just for safe keeping. I will want it back eventually. Thanks!

How would Sartre analyze this? I DON'T CAAARE!!!! I've never cared and I never will! Yes, Philosophy is interesting, I'll give the subject that much, but right now I just can't be bothered. This is not the time to be discussing the meaning of life and what happens after death. I don't want to know what the meaning of life is, because then I might go out and search for it and lord knows I won't find it. I would just get lost in that jungle and snakes would attack me when I least expected it and lizards would feast on my dead body.

Anyways (scared myself a bit there, *cough*)! Tomorrow is the last day of philosophy. Just one more exam and then I'm done, moving on to economics which is just facts, facts, facts. Gotta love it!!

Back to the books now and then I'm getting myself ready for dinner with smoochy and miss incognito. If I don't get too tired I will also go out for drinks with my little turkish delight later too, we've never been out her and I and there's nothing as fun as two mother's doing Stockholm!



We're naming tonight's dinner after you mr Bass (yes, the character, not the actual actor, we only care about Chuck!). So tonight we're having Chick-hen Jacques á la Baisse! Enjoy (and you know we will you tasty little *beeep*)

I've found an excellent way to get myself peaceful enough to sit down; exercise. Yes, yes, yes, you all knew that exercise was the answer but I didn't. Plus after exercise you get hungry so I can eat again. Hurray for me and my ideas that aren't even ideas but pure facts for every one else, hurraaay! *stupid piece of shit*

So from now on I will start exercising again and we'll see if I start feeling better and if relaxing will become any easier. Let's all keep our fingers crossed.

 

Happy happy!

I need to relax and study harder because my school work is not even going alright; it's going down the drain. As I've mentioned earlier I have a hard time sitting down and that makes it hard to focus. I'm going out for a walk now and maybe I'll be able to focus better tonight.



Focus.

Do you remember when the boy/girl-thing was easy? No, of course you don't ‘cause it never has been! The whole complication starts at playschool where toys are separated in to girls- and boys-toys, pink and blue, GI Joes and Barbie dolls, ballet and football.

I've been raised in an equal society, men and women are supposed to be seen as equals, and that's always a good start even though it will never be 50/50 in any country. When I lived in Germany it was worse and I'm not even going to get started about that place.

The equal (or not so equal) thing is the reason to why dating is so hard. For a woman like me who takes what she wants and lives life to the fullest and don't get all girly about stuff these last few years of dating have been confusing and it has changed me. Guilt has all of a sudden creeped in to the dating game. What can I do? What can I say? When is it too early to do something and what is politically correct to do in this situation?

I never used to think about things like that, I used to roll with the punches and give the world all of my personality. Give them my opinion on the matter whether it would hurt my chances with them or not. These days I find myself sitting in front of people, both men and women, thinking: That person is a total idiot and I will probably never agree with a thing he/she says but I just keep on nodding and smiling and sometimes the fake laugh has been the only way to get out of the situation. The old me would say: I don't agree, I will respect you for your opinion but as I said; just don't agree.

So the old me who used to think stuff like Hell no, I'm not dating him, he lives on the BLUE line of the subway. Or This person is wasting my energy in a negative way so I'm getting out of this asap! That old person has to come back.

So I'm leaving small traps and treats for that old personality and I hope I will catch it in the end. Maybe some big ass earrings, some hair dye in a crazy colour or a loud hip hop song to shake some ass to.  



No, I'm not getting like this again. I'm all about meeting halfways these days, so half of this will do.

I don't know how to describe it because my body isn't aching, it's just restless. I have a hard time sitting down for long enough to even eat so sleeping is out of the question. I usually get too tired to think at about three in the morning and I wake up with the same restless feeling four hours later.

I'm so tired but I'm fine. I do what I have to do but it all feels like chores since all I really want to do is to sleep. My little man is all that's not a chore strangely enough. He makes me feel that I'm good at one thing at least; being a mother. And that's huge.

He was in the pool when I arrived at daycare today. Splashing around and playing with his friends and he got so excited when he saw me. The amazing part of having him away for a whole weekend is not just the alone time you get but the sensation of something new when you do the every day things together again. Like holding his shivering little body in a huge towel, hugging him and kissing his pale cheeks. Or eating dinner, just him and me in the living room, talking about the weekend he had at his dad's house. Tonight I'm looking forward to reading the Gruffalo-books to him when he's in bed, looking so cute in his pyjamas that I could eat him!



One of my favourite pictures of him. A year old, eating an apple by the water at Vinterviken in Stockholm.