Out of reach
It's like I'm in mourning. I don't want to do anything. I have a hard time eating, can't sleep and sitting still just makes me think. I walked for an hour after dropping L off at playschool. I got home, drank water and a cup of coffee and sat down at the kitchen table. I sat there for two minutes before I realised that I couldn't do it. So I put some music on, danced a while, washed my face, put sun lotion on and went outside again. I walked for another hour and tried to sound happy while talking to NB on the phone. I met CK, we bought some new hair dye, picked NB up in Solna and then went to CKs house where we drank coffee, highlighted my hair and played a celebrity names game. It made me laugh and I felt that the laughter was genuine. Finally! After that I picked L up and we had dinner with M and his kids. Then I got home, talked to my brother on the phone and then I put L to bed.
And then? I talked to a friend on the phone and it was great too. Everything is great. But he's missing. I miss him. I've never lost a friend and I didn't think that losing him would mean this much. I thought that it was better not to have him if I couldn't have all of him, but I was wrong.
I know he won't read this, and it would be too hard to tell him this anyways.. If I could go to his house, knock on his door I would say: Could you come out and play and I'll explain it all. You see, I'm missing a friend, and he's you.
But that's not possible. He's out of reach.
Me and my CK doing my hair today.
We've been through ups and downs but always resolved it in the end.
